Actively Seeking God's Will

I have talked about it and wrote about it and carried on about it, but now is the time to actively seek God's will.  I am working hard to discern things about this community ministry.  I have to give credit to Karen Ainsley who talked to me about the need for definition.  To that end I also have to thank Carl Dudley and his book for giving me some ideas about definition.  I was looking forward to reading David Bos' book since I knew him and his wife Johanna was my advisor in seminary, but I just can't recommend that book for other than a general survey of community ministry.

I think Jesus had some of the problems that I am having.  Remember when He spoke to the Syro-Phonecian woman and had to revise his ministry focus?  I am pretty hung up on getting the boundaries of the ministry defined and that seems to be a big stumbling block as does the focus of the ministry.  I don't know why I am so hesitant about partnering and I think I'm just going to do that to start.  I also am pushing myself to get something started and not waiting for God.

Discerning God's will for the ministry is a challenge.  I am laboring over this and working too hard I think.  I need to sit and let God's presence flow over me so that I can feel the Spirit.  Please keep praying for me.

It's all open

What is community ministry?  What does the Bible say about community ministry?  It seems to me that the ministry of the disciples was a community ministry.  I'm trying to imitate that with the work that I do.  I am going about them and if I'm not received I shake the dust and move on.  Curiously, the rudest guy was the one living next door to the church.

I am faced with the challenge/opportunity of defining and creating a community ministry on the northwest side of South Bend.  This is a huge area filled with needs and I am challenged to discern and define this ministry.  A blessing and curse of this is that I have no one I have to answer to and no one to turn to for guidance.  I don't know anyone who has done this sort of ministry and I'm feeling sort of at loose ends.

I think I need to re-read Acts because I feel a lot like Paul and what those original disciples dealt with as they began those first churches.  I don't know what to write because I'm still sort of reeling from this experience.  This is what I have asked for and I do approach ministry differently than the presbytery does usually.  For example, I asked the churches for a commitment to pray and that is part of my position description.  I am surprised that this was such an unorthodox thing to say when designing a ministry.

Pray for me.

History

Advance warning!  This is not one of my better posts.  I hope you will understand as you read it, but it loses its way at the end.

This week I started my community ministry gig with two churches in South Bend.  I'm really excited about this and challenged, but other things put this onto the back burner.

The daughter of a friend was in a car accident and she is in the intensive care unit of Memorial Hospital with some brain injury.  I cannot imagine what it would be like to be those parents.  Fran and I have been trying to be present and involved offering faithful support. We pray for a miracle for Lauren.

For me this is especially difficult as I was in a car accident when I was 18 (a year older than Lauren).  I too had a brain injury and was in a coma for some days.  While I was comatose and not really aware, this experience is bringing a lot of those memories and feelings up.  "The accident" was a defining event in my life and I am in ways reliving that event.  I wish I could name and better examine what's going on with me, but I can only say that I am affected by this experience in ways I never thought I would be.

This has all started me thinking about the power of history and what those past experiences, even the ones vaguely remembered, do to us.  I guess I am wondering how society has experienced church or Christians and how that experience shades the common perception.  Certainly the news leads people to look at us askance.  I was talking with someone this week and they were telling me about a huge disappointment they experienced with a Christian person when they asked for help but that person told them no because they had to go to church.

As I am engaging in this community ministry I am struck by the need to live out the gospel rather than read it.  When we can sincerely live what we believe is when the world will start to change.  Now, though, the world we live in is beset with fear of others and social interaction.  It's almost as if society has taken on a life of its own and we feel powerless to do anything about it.  The sense that the world is greater than we are and so we cannot stop its movement, even when we disagree with the direction in which its going.  Hmm, started with memories and their power to move to accountability/responsibility.  I'm wondering how this fits.

First day

Today was the first day of the new ministry.  I don't know what I expected, but what I did is bike around the northwest side of South Bend in 90 degree heat.  Not a well thought out approach.

I did get to know the neighborhoods a little better and that was fun.  I don't know what I was expecting, but what I found wasn't that.  I found some seemingly well integrated neighborhoods and, judging by the lack of grafitti, not much gang activity.  The area to the south is clearly in a lower socio-economic strata with an enormous number of rental houses.

As I biked I tried to keep open to hear God's call.  I prayed that I might have an open mind to where God leads.  I don't really know how God is going to speak to me about this or how I will be lead, but I am trying to throw off those preconceptions and be responsive.

I was talking with a Baptist pastor today and his word was "all things work for good".  I need to keep that in mind as I pursue this ministry.

New stuff

I am just amazed how God seems to be working in my life.  I've had a wonderful week off and got the chance to spend a lot of time with Ross and Fran.  This has  been good for us and I have had a chance to think about the ministry that confronts me.

There were some issues this week as the Worship Committee considered the extension of the contemporary service.  I don't know if it was my anxiety, but it seemed as if the usual Presbyterian hoops were higher and harder to pass through.  Be that as it may, the session of Niles 1st is considering my employment to lead that service.  This is good news, but I don't want to count on anything until after their meeting on the 16th.

I am getting more and more excited about the ministry in South Bend.  I am really looking forward to beginning that process.  I have started to get some ideas as well.  I preach this Sunday at SB Memorial and Monday is my start day with the ministry.  I am thinking that I need to start a new blog.  I am also thinking that I need to some way record my experiences (book material?).  I just don't know how to do that.  No, I know how, but my past attempts at journaling have not been successful.  So, I have some things to do.  Pray for me and I will pass on the title of my new blog.

Week Off

It was really great to spend Sunday napping after church.  Last week was the last week of camp and I didn't have to drive to Rochester.  Truly a bittersweet time-two strong feelings: good to be done but regretting the loss.  Thrown together like that relationships form with incredible speed.  Oh well, I count that as an experience and a good one.  I needed the time away and it was good to sink into some spiritual practices.

Since I've been home I've discovered Spotify, which puts Pandora to shame.  I got to mow yesterday with our new riding mower and I'm getting to spend time with Fran and Ross.  This is making for some enjoyable times, but there have been some disturbing things.

I had been leading a contemporary/emergent service at Niles and the question of continuing that service was presented to the Worship Committee.  I didn't attend that meeting because I don't feel like I have standing to speak as a non-member of the church and a pastor member of a different presbytery.  In any event, Fran informed me that there was quite a bit of debate about who would do the service and when it was to happen.  Also, it seems that the committee chair has the intention of advertising for my replacement as soon as I get the service a little more self-sufficient.  All of this is really disturbing to me and I'm not sure how to react.  I don't guess there are Biblical precedents for this sort of thing.

So, what do I do?  I really love leading worship, but I feel hampered by the thought that I am being replaced as soon as they can find someone.  I think that is doing a dis-service to the congregation or that community of worship.  I also don't want to emotionally invest myself in this and then have to leave, which is too painfully similar to what happened at Bethlehem.  It seems to me that I cannot continue leading that service knowing that I will be replaced as soon as they can find someone.  I hate this position, but it seems like the best in the long run for both me and the worshiping community.

The End of Camp

This morning is the last that I'll be blogging from this little table.  It has been a joy to look out the window at the rolling hill and the deep green woods right there.  What has been even better has been the relationships that are forged through the weeks.  What wonderful people!  Of course, every one had their defects and shortcomings, but it has been a present to watch people unveil their God-given gifts.  So wonderful to see that potential become reality. 

I don't know about the state of the church.  In fact, I don't have high hopes for the future of the church as we know it.  What I do have great hope for is Christians.  These weeks have permitted me to see the Spirit moving among kids and elders, workers and leaders.  And the Spirit is strong; more than that, it's there for all of us and we just need to be open to God.

Being here has been good for me.  I walked the labyrinth last night and struggled with my pain.   My road has been a struggle and most of that struggle has been my own making.  I pray that I can stay open to the working of the Lord, but I forget so easily.  I pray we can all be the Christians we are called to be.

Next Steps

This is the last week that I'm going to be at camp and after four weeks I feel like I'm getting the hang of things.  Geneva Center is truly a wonderful, pastoral place.  This is really a good "gig" and I'm going to miss being here, but I forget that the camp part of GC is only a small portion of the full mission and ministry of this place.  I hope somehow to be a part of that larger vision, but that remains to be seen.

I know I've written about my frustrations in seeking a call, which was the impetus for this blog so many months ago.  So, here I am; poised at the start of a new thing and entering into a new call in just a few days.  But I'm scared.  This is a new thing I'm doing and I worry I'm not up to it or able and I wonder what God has me doing in this spot.  I forget that it's not me.  I forget why I'm doing this and who's on my side.  This is my besetting sin-the sin of self.  My concerns are about me and my life and my feelings/desires.  It's my plan that matters.

I wonder if it's not human nature to forget that God is the motive and motivation in the matter.  The pull of the world and the world's ways are so strong that I work every day to cast off those chains and live for my God.  It is so hard to faithfully abide in God, trusting that God will care for me and knows best.  I pray that the work of my hands today might be a fragrant offering to the God who gave me life today.

My Way

What is it about us humans, well, me at least, that makes us so quick to want to take over? We convince ourselves that we can handle things and that we are in control when we know that it is truly God who is in charge.

I had the privilege in the last couple weeks to improve my relationship with God. I realized that I let that relationship slip and that those spiritual disciplines in which I once engaged had gone by the wayside. It is so easy to let things like prayer and meditation to slip away; I guess because they don't seem as if they're "doing anything". Unfortunately, it usually takes something drastic to draw us back to what's important.

That is exactly what happened to me yesterday.  I have been so busy with my stuff at Geneva Center that I lost track of those disciplines.  In spite of being in a retreat/conference center, I let things go and stress dominated.  Everything came to a head yesterday with my interview by the COM of Wabash Valley and some financial issues.  These "crises" were enough to ruin my day emotionally, mentally and spiritually, but they also pointed me back to what I had been missing.  I am so glad I had the opportunity to call my friend Chuck who put things in perspective.

Last night was an opportunity to renew that relationship.  Gathered in the woods around the campfire it is impossible not to feel God's presence.  I wonder if God didn't step away for a bit when I tried to play guitar, though.  What I do know is that it's times and places like this that serve to renew my relationship with my God.

When we can quiet our minds enough to realize our place in the grand scheme of things is when we experience God.  When we are able to take on humility (not humiliation) we recognize that it's not all about us.  When we can smile at our arrogant plan to fix, manage and control the universe God is able to make use of us.  Paradoxically, our victory is found in surrender: surrender of our will to God's and acceptance of everything.  We trust in God's working out of God's will in all circumstances.

It will be wonderful to get home later today.  I miss my family and my dog and I had a rotten day yesterday.  In spite of all of that, today begins with a new perspective and openness to God's presence.

Independence Day

"[Be] daring enough to be different, humble enough to make mistakes, wild enough to be burnt in the fire of love, real enough to make others see how phony [you] are."
- Brennan Manning

I found at camp last week that the laptop I was using was outdated tech. It took forever to boot and had troubles running multiple programs. All that aside, I am in the process of setting up a new computer for the rest of my time and thought that this would be a good time to blog. I especially thought that when I read the above Manning quote as part of my meditations.

It occurs to me that life is such a battle with fear and appearances. I struggle that I'm going to be found out because I know, deep down inside, what a fallen and sinful man I am. I know that so many times I fumble through life and just simply operate by intuition, not really knowing. I suppose it was the last line of the quote that struck me.

When the fiction of who I am dominates how I live out my life I end up short-changing everyone, you, me and God. I so want to be more than I am. I so want you to see me as more than I am. I so want the fiction to be true that I spend more time working on the facade than I do improving the reality. Putting aside the fiction, living the reality of who I am requires real courage.

That courage is the standard to which people are called. It doesn't matter what faith you hold or anything like that. I know it's some sort of philosophic maxim, "to thine own self be true", but that's what it's all about. Having the courage to be true to yourself. Only when we find that courage and respect ourselves enough to be true to ourselves can we know happiness. Only when we are willing to see ourselves as we truly are, not how we want to be seen, but as we are, can we begin to know happiness.

Amazing God

I started a post yesterday, but didn't get a chance to finish. Thought I saved it, but it's lost in cyberspace.

I haven't blogged for a year on this blog. I was caught up in some work that sapped my spirit. I lost track of so much including spiritual disciplines, my health, my diet and exercise regimen. My life really was not doing well and the funny thing is that I wasn't aware of any of this. Things just slipped away until I hit the wall. I quit my job last month and had to regroup.

This is the amazing God part. I threw myself back into my faith, which is not to say that my fear just disappeared. I was scared and depressed and doubting and feeling lost, but God was there.

I started a short-term position working at Geneva Center in Wabash Valley Presbytery. I started that job the day my pay ran out from my severance deal. I had been speaking to a minister about doing some pulpit supply and he turned me on to the the job of a lifetime.

In August I start working with two churches in South Bend that are struggling. The cool part is that I don't have to worry about revitalizing them! What I have to do is look at their communities and figure out how they can better serve people. What an awesome job. It's amazing how these two churches are invested with the same vision and desire to serve God in this kind of ministry. I am so honored to be a part of it.

There are Presbyterian hoops to jump, but I am assured that it will happen. I will keep blogging, but I think I'm going to change the name of the blog 'cause I have found a call.