finding time

I haven't blogged for some time. Reason being that this job of mine just eats up my hours. This doesn't seem right and something needs to change. I think no only about myself, but what about the others I work with who have been keeping up this pace for years. Not only is it hard to give the clients the time they need, but there are some huge issues of self-care involved. I don't really want to be a thorn in someone's side, but this just isn't right and someone needs to say something.

the search for a call continues...and continues...and continues. I am somewhat restricted geographically now so I can realistically only consider a few churches. In that limited pool there are very few open pulpits so I continue.

I went to Granger Community Church and it appeals to me in a lot of ways. I don't think I will make that my church of choice, but the music is inspiring. If I could find that in a smaller, much smaller, venue I would be in heaven. When I think about it, that's what I want to create. Thing is, in Niles I just don't have the connections or acquaintances to do that. I did volunteer to take on an emergent type service at the Presbyterian starting this fall so that's something.

dissatisfaction

I felt the need to blog today. This need was inspired by an emotion that I struggle to put a name to and settled for dissatisfaction. I am not feeling fulfilled and would like to change that situation, but I just don't know how. I think part of this is the lack of a vision-I don't have a vision or goal and so I feel like I'm just treading water. I guess that's it...I'm just waiting.

I wrote a few posts ago about the Israelites in the desert. Well, at least they were moving while I feel stuck. I think I should find a new spiritual discipline or invest more effort in the ones I practice, but I don't feel directed to any of those. I worked with a spiritual director some years ago and she would always ask where God was in all of this which leads me to another odd sense.

I don't feel God is absent. I feel as if God is present and with me,but just not active. I don't know if that makes sense theologically and I would like to have someone weigh in on that. I don't want to compare myself to Job because I'm certainly not suffering like that, but I can relate to the sense of disconnection that he describes and all I can say is that it sucks!

This time is not being a good one for me. I suppose part of it is my own fault for not participating in the larger church by its expectations. I have eschewed (fancy word) all that stuff that the larger church promotes like networking and making those connections with GA people and all that. I guess I'm paying the price for that now.

How to do it?

I am preaching this coming Sunday on the sending of the 70-they went door to door telling people about the gospel message. I think telling people is the real thrust of the Great Commission and God's call to all Christians. That being said, how does one do that in a secular world? I find myself in a position where that is doubly difficult.

The easiest answer to the question is that we do it by how we live our lives. That is true, but... That seems like the complete easy way. Also, if we are just giving an example without explanation then a big part is lost. It's good to be a good person, but if there's no explanation the why is missing. I think it's in our verbal witness that the why emerges. The Apostle Paul always points back to Christ and his sacrifice. Our good behavior should also point back to that rationale.

So, I find myself in a situation where I don't have the freedom to discuss faith. What's a guy to do?

how long, o Lord?

I can really relate to those Israelites and how they bitched to Moses. How long, God? I know you're there and I can feel your presence, but I just wish you would speak up. I don't feel lead or pushed, just sort of wandering in the wilderness.

I tried to put a cross up in my office and was advised to remove it....government agency, don't want to prosthletize (sp) clients. I understand, but I still don't feel right about it. Didn't Jesus say something about denying him on earth and being denied in heaven? I don't know, but I'm still feeling weird about it. I also had to inform/ask for permission to fill pulpits. I did that to adhere to the policies and procedures, but if I'm denied or questioned I have decided that I'm going to quit.

One thing that has come of this time has been to affirm my desire to return to church work. I don't really want to do associate work and I don't really want to travel too awfully far, but I feel called to that. I suppose it's that sense of call, the idea that God could be right around the corner, that keeps me wandering. I suppose it was that sense that kept the Israelites wandering.

The change in occupation has certainly caused me to rethink my spiritual disciplines. I continue with daily prayer and following the lectionary, but those practices are not as fulfilling as they once were. I really miss my Bible study and my friend Richard. Both those activities pushed my faith. With that in mind, it seems that I need to be more intentional about my disciplines.

the job and the world

I think the last I wrote was that I have a job. I'm back doing therapy, which will keep the wolves from the door. This is being a huge change for me. When I was serving the church I was obsessed-thinking 'bout folks all the time, praying for them, intimately involved in their lives. And then there was prep for Sunday morning. Being a called clergy is utterly consuming.

This job isn't so. I work 9-5 (No evenings! Can you believe it?) and that's it. There's someone else to take on call. I can just shut it off. It is really awesome to have a weekend to relax.

On the other side of the coin, this position is completely atheistic which is to say that there is no place for Christ without equal billing for Y***** or Allah or Buddah. So, I feel like there's no place for the sacred. Might just be me, but it feels like somethings missing and I wonder how long I'll feel this way-if it's just an aftereffect of being a clergy for so many years.

I am also disturbed by what I interpret as a mishandling of cases. We are assigned an enormous number of cases and I have trouble seeing how there can be quality treatment. I know there is a huge demand for service and we are meeting a need, but... I don't know. I need to think about this. Also, I speak as if I have so much knowledge when in reality I just started.

I don't know where God is in all this mishmash. My wife seems to think that God has me here for a season to rest from being clergy. That might well be true as I am gaining appreciation for how hard I worked! I feel God's absence strongly, though, and I don't know what to do to correct that. This is a struggle.

a job, a job

Ok, it's been a whirlwind, but I had a second interview friday last week. Then I got a call Fri. afternoon offering me the job. Wow! Going back to doing social work, not my first choice, but it's a job and pays the bills while I look for a call.

I do have some pulpit supply gigs, but not real action on a call. I suppose I shouldn't be suprised, but I keep looking.

With income I feel a lot more free to be choosy about the call I would accept. With income I am also more willing to consider a church plant or new church development. I feel like I don't have the connections here yet to do a plant. I don't know people who are disaffected or uninvolved with a church to get together. I think if I knew one or two people I could do this, but the problem is meeting them.

There are plenty of places where a group could meet. I can preach, but still need a musician as my guitar isn't progressing as quickly as I hoped.

Perhaps this is God at work, providing a little income so I can slow my roll enough to look at other options. I miss having my support group to bounce ideas off. I miss people a lot more than I thought I would.

Lots of stuff

Gosh, it occurred to me today how long it had been since I blogged. I had an interview with a facility in Elkhart. Interview went well, but I nixed the job. Too far away and I would be responsible for building my own caseload. Pay was per billable so def a rip off for the practitioner.

Interviewed today with folks in Niles. Good interview and I was offered a second. I liked the facility and what they have to offer. Problems with licensure, but I'm sure those can be overcome.

I was on hold for like half an hour today waiting for IL license people. Finally found out that I have to retest to reinstate license. That sucks! I don't know what I'm going to do short of getting certified in MI and taking the whole test and everything. What a load of crap.

I know me and I know that if I take this job I'm probably going to let serving a church go. I know how I work and I'll get attached and I know I like doing that stuff and I can fill pulpit....I feel sort of like I'm in a situation where I have to make a decision and I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm copping out 'cause I don't think I'm a good minister and don't deserve to do that. I don't know what to do. I feel intimidated 'cause I don't fit in with the expectations of what a pastor is.

I feel confused about what to do. Still looking for God, but I don't know. I hit it off today in the interview and I know I like doing therapy. Don't know what God wants me to do, where God wants me to go

From the strangest places

I was volunteering at the Salvation Army today and got talking to Bob. Bob is interested in Native American spirituality and shared this thought with me. In his study he was encouraged to learn and appreciate both male and female experiences. A central experience of a female is giving birth, a painful experience. What Bob learned from this is that there cannot be new life without pain. Yes, I know that seems really self-evident, but it was what I needed to hear today. Those words touched me.

Hmmmm

I don't have a paying gig, but I started volunteering at the Salvation Army. The do a lunch program three days a week. It's a small program, but I'm with some people who really need the help. I could put in a lot of time there if I let myself.

I have two Sundays filled next month preaching in Niles and LaPorte, so that's something. I don't have a solid lead on anything long term or solid in the clergy field. That's sort of a bummer, but there's just not too much in the area.

I did talk to the next door neighbor who works at the social service agency in near-by Benton Harbor where I had applied. He seem to think that he could get my application on the fast track, but we'll see. He did, however, seem positive about me opportunities in the area doing social work.

All of this causes me to question what God wants of me. I would really like to do that which God wants me. I don't know if I'm being impatient or what, but it seems like the better opportunities that God is making available are not in the clergy. I don't want to drive an hour and a half just to do stated supply. Even Michigan City is an hour! South Bend might be OK, but they aren't in the system yet and when they are who knows how long that process would take.

There is an attraction to being unemployed. I've felt this before. It's easy to let things slide and to get caught up in minutia while neglecting important stuff. My prayer life began suffering in Wheeling, but I notice that it's not getting better and I need to focus on that. I'm out of a routine and need some sort of stability to practice those spiritual disciplines. It's weird. I feel like God and I are just nodding acquaintances lately. I would like to go to a good worship, but I don't know where that would be and I don't feel like I can do that without hurting Fran and relationships with the new church.

I don't know where God is in all this. Hmm, interesting that I never question God's presence. What does that say? I think I also believe that God has some intent or master plan for all of this and I work to define my role in it. I think I have a lot of options, all of which are God's will, but some of those options are a little closer to what God would have me do. I don't know what and it seems like I'm rambling for the last two paragraphs.

Another day, another application

Started the morning having coffee with my friend Steve. Steve is also an unemployed pastor seeking a call so we both railed on the system for about an hour. this presbytery thing doesn't make sense in that they seem to have a lot of power, certainly more than they are allotted by the Book of Order. In fact, the whole call process in the PC(USA) is sort of screwy. Unfortunately, it's the best in my opinion of all the denominations.

Talking with Steve did give me a push to call a COM chair who told me about a short-term stated supply position...only an hour-and-a-half away. At least that's something. I did bond with the guy since he is originally from Washington, PA (close to Wheeling) and I feel like Kevin is going to help me out if he can.

I spent the rest of the afternoon filling out job apps. for social work positions. I got really freaked out by the one for Lakeland Health which has this huge section about how they look at your credit and criminal history. It makes it sound as if they are going to look at everything in my past (bummer). Oh well, I had problems submitting that, but I did apply to this other place that looks to be an inpatient place in Benton Harbor.

I just don't really feel called to return to social work. I would like to stay in the ministry, but there doesn't seem to be anything suiting me that's open. Talked to my sister and she is trying to help as much as she can-I appreciate it.

I don't know where God's at today. I guess I'm feeling more that I'm pointed at the church, but I don't know if I have the patience to wait it out. Perhaps learning patience is God's whole motive here. A lot to go through for that lesson, but I do have a hard head.

What? What?

OK. Today I filled out an application online for a social work gig. Totally automated so I didn't get to talk to an HR person or anything. Not a fulfilling experience. The other social work place won't employ me until I get certified in the state of IN, even though they are a pastoral counseling center and I have an MDiv. However, on that bummer of a note I then got a call to fill a pulpit.

I got a new guitar today (under $100 including 4 free lessons) and a friend posted on FB how he thought it was great I was learning guitar and so on.

So where's God in all this? I don't really want to leave the ministry, but I got bills. God should know that and help me out with a call or something here. Doesn't God understand this? Friends say take a break, but I'm stressed about the financial situation so much that I can't "take a break". So....where's God?

The weekend

Not too much job searching to be done over the weekend. I did look into social work and chaplaincy opportunities at the local hospital and found no openings so I did do something.

I sat last night and really felt odd. I mean, here it was a Saturday night and I didn't even know what the lectionary was! For the last years some part of my brain was occupied with thoughts of the sermon I had to deliver the next day.. I suppose in some ways it was a relief, but I still felt odd. I am going to have to find some Bible study around here to keep my head in the Word. I can see where this would be too easy to let slide.

I'm going to two worship services today so Fran can "show me off" to the church. I have a new understanding and compassion for clergy spouses (@Tim Graves). I'm not looking forward to this, but it's got to be done. I feel like I'm going to be on display and not having a job makes it even more uncomfortable. I don't know what I thought this would feel like, but it's not good.

Well, tomorrow I hope to hear from a local Christian based counciling firm and I'm gonna talk to the local hospital. I really don't see much possibility of going back into paid church work right now. That makes me sadder than I thought it would. There just aren't any calls available in this area so I guess I need to evaluate how much I want to work as a pastor.

So where is God in all this? Is this a test? I never really thought God worked that way. Is this a way of telling me to get out of ministry? I thought I did a good job and others said the same, but... I sure hope worship is good 'cause I don't feel too good inside and welcome that reconnection with God.

On the road

Sunday, May 2 I ended my tenure at Bethlehem Pres. No, I wasn't tossed out or asked to leave which would be more in keeping with the tradition of that church. I left to be with my wife who took a call in Niles, Michigan. I left without a call and without a lot of hope for employment in the pastorate. I hope that this blog serves as an outlet for my frustration and, perhaps, allows me to see God somewhere in this process and even to hear God's call.

Tuesday I left Wheeling, WV and my phone crapped out. I had no idea where in Niles I was going. Fran had a house, but I put the directions on my iPhone to be accessed when I needed them. Ordinarily a good idea, this didn't serve me well. OK, so I knew how to get to Niles, but that was it. When I crossed over into Indiana I stopped at the first rest stop and wanted to use the phone, but the dog wouldn't have any of that. The dog was freaking out and had to be with me 24/7 so I get out of the car with the dog and run into this guy; you know, kind of sketchy with long hair, tats and bad teeth who was walking his dog. I started talking and we bonded around metal bands and Ted Nugent so he let me use his phone. OK, I count this as a God moment. I couldn't go in the rest stop with the wild dog and I just ran into this guy.

Well, I called my parents 'cause theirs was the only number I knew by memory and they were.....not home. I left a message and went on to Niles. I got to the church and was lucky enough to find the secretary still there. Carol was able to give me directions and I finally made it to my new home.

Thursday I called the EP to talk about open pulpits and he basically said they were filled up in South west MI. Thanks for calling. I did get on the pulpit supply list so that was something, but a call in the presbytery seems out of the question. Bummer. I do have slightly greater hopes for Wabash Valley Presbytery because they have some open pulpits in the area.

Today I am in a quest to find the best pizza in Niles. Input and opinions are welcome.

So, where is God in all this? In the midst of boxes unpacked and still full I know the divine is lurking. God works on God's own schedule though, and I pray for patience.